I have been asked many times to teach some how to draw. Teaching is not my strength, because I simply do what my mind compels me to do, and how that manages to travel from my thoughts to my finger tips, I quite frankly do not know. Nevertheless, I will give it a try and it will be up to you to decide.

Pick up some scratch paper and it does not matter what size, then probably ck up a pencil, pen, or other drawing tool. Keep in mind this practice and not a piece work you hang on the wall, unless you are truly gifted.

I began drawing a s a child the Draw me profile pictures on paper matchbook covers. I don’t know if they do that anymore, but they used to promise you a entry into a art school. They said I was accepted when I was around ten years old. I am also pretty sure I was not that good but it did start me drawing more.

There is nothing like someone coming to bed who feel like they were frozen into a Popsicle. That moment when they touch you and you mind explodes and you are too shocked to scream and your body goes rigid and your mind becomes frantic thinking you may have gone to Hell but rational thought tells this must not be true because it is cold, while you gasp for a breath.

In fractions of a moment it becomes quite clear that you will have to jump up because suddenly you have an urge to pee, yet you know, to quote a winter holiday verse “baby it is cold out there” and you still linger until you cannot hold it anymore. The journey is quick because you are anxious to get back under the covers where you believe it must be warmer under there and you are fully aware that spring and summer are no longer here.

Art is my hobby, along with writing and together they piece together fragments in my life. You know those moments temporarily lost while you are busy helping to fulfill others life. Those moments, not sacrificed, but sitting back in the shadows of your mind where you can pull them out and ponder on them while listening to music, writing, or working on one or more mediums of art. There are no bad seasons of the year, only different seasons of the year. Each are filled with amazing things, if only a person take a moment to look and recall all of the senses that come into play.

Throughout our lives we will see an abundance of the new growing along side the old, and this is the way it has always been. Their is beauty in this embrace with both the old and new. As grandparents or parents we see ourselves in our children and our children’s children elements of ourselves and we delight in these reflections of old in the new. It is the embrace of these things that we recognize that we do not disappear, but in the elements of things we still exist in fragments brought together again.

I look at my calendar and see that many days have passed since I last wrote. My fault, all my fault. I did not intend my blog to be solely about art but rather the creative energy that comes with any discipline which requires creative energy. Sometimes, that can be simply the necessary energy to roll over and slam you hand down on the alarm and fall out of bed so you can drag yourself to the bathroom and get ready for another day.

Recently I pledged that my last day of work would be on a specific day and have labored toward that day, while marking it on my calendar and counting down each day. Sometimes, we begin with great zest in achieving goals only to find that many obstacles are placed in our way preventing, or at least trying to prevent us from obtaining those goals, and your steps weaken and falter and you question your reasoning, “Should I even do this at all?”

I have faltered and my final day will not be on the day I desired but I do still countdown each day to that deadline date. I am writing more and drawing more, and even have a multitude of projects set out for me to work on which I imagine will give me endless joy, but still falter in my stride.

My retirement day has been momentarily set aside, like so many other things awaiting me. I will get there in time and the time will be just the right time. I will not purposely feel a loss in my delay but will strive to make each day a better day in preparation of those sunset days where I have read are both good and bad. Good in that you no longer have to respond immediately to the shrill call of an alarm and you can lollygag your way to through the day, unless you have pressing doctors appointment or coffee time with friends and family. Bad because of the increased free time a person filled up serving others in order to pay the bills now will give you copious amounts of time you will need to fill with something besides annoying the wife or simply waste away while you fill up the space in your chair with more of your girth from not moving enough.

Meanwhile, I will continue to write about those things that matter to mean concerning writing in general, art, and other creative endeavors until I can take all those serious matters of retirement to heart.

—Wayne

Day 331 – On with the fun:

It is hard to imagine but I have been busier than I intended to be, because there is just so darned many things I must get done.

“The only way can write the truth is to assume that what you set down will never be read.”

–Margaret Atwood, author of “The Blind Assassin”

I am not certain that this is completely true as I often write and everything I write is true, except when it isn’t and was never meant to be.

Sometime in 2008 I found a note I had made to myself, while I was disposing of things in my office. I believe it was intended to be developed into a poem, which never found the light of day, until now.

“I nodded to a blind man the other day as we passed by each other on the street. I was as pleasant and cautious as I could possibly be, but it was not until we had each passed each other by that he had paid no attention to me.”

I made it a point to share this, as I believe, many of us have good intentions as we go through our daily things, but often forget that others do not see everything as we do. Our kind intentions do not always come across as we intend them, while our silence goes no further than the thoughts in our heads.

Note — There is still a possibility I may simply nod my head to a person who cannot see, providing I do not realize they cannot but more often than not I will wish those I pass by a good day.

Day 339 — The countdown is going great! In a short time I can kick back my heels and watch the grass grow, or the paint peel although February will still be a bit earlier. Still the thought is in my mind and that seems like a good plan for the first day of my retirement. Day two will be different I am sure because I have much I want to still do.

Had a little scare today. I received and email telling me I needed to remove my cookies and told me it would tell me how, but I figured I had that one covered. I rushed home and quickly opened my cabinet and pulled out my latest purchase of girl scout cookies and ate them a quickly as I could although it did take me about an hour, while I watched an old movie on the television. Milk did help them go down a bit easier. I am grateful the packages are not bigger and thank goodness I had only purchased one package of Tagalongs, or it may have been rougher. I swore off dinner to compensate and figured I should be in good shape tomorrow when I open up my computer again for work.

Secretly, I am hoping that tomorrow my email will tell me I need to get rid of that spaghetti in the fridge because it has been calling out for me.

There is a place between pavement and where concrete meet, like the space between a rock and a hard place, where everything is drawn to drain toward the depths where places can only be imagined. It is one of these places where a writer lets their imagination flow among the debris they find and they pause to search for tidbits they can weave into a story, like the single feather mixed with leaves, grass, and seeds.

I remember my four children when they were quite small, the youngest three and the oldest around seven, and their mother was no longer with us, for reasons I will not labor or elaborate upon. it is enough to say she was no longer with us.

We hiked a lot in those early days as I tried desperately to find ways to move beyond the darkness that tried to engulf me. With half breathes on the steep climbs in the foothills around Pocatello, Idaho which gave us a vigorous exercise, even when that is not really your intent, and I would tell my children stories to occupy their time and take the darkness from mine.

On one of our hikes above the water tower to the West of the city we came across some white stones which are quite common in our neck of the high desert, along with a single feather which began the story I would begin to tell them. It was hot, dry and the sun high. Dust would kick up and mingle with scents of dried grass and stunted sagebrush with each step we would take, when we came upon the stones which became Pegasus droppings which had dried hard as stone, and the feather from one of its wings of the Pegasus when it had been startled by noisy hikers and lifted his wings high and wide and possibly flew away. Shush—I cautioned them. Whisper, I whispered, so we would not scare one away, possibly on the trail ahead.

Their voices became quiet and I noticed how some were bright-eyed and looking about as they had found some more Pegasus droppings while I spun a tale that I would never really ever completely recall, but the darkness lifted like the fog dissipating when the sun comes up and drives it away, and those things that troubled me seemed far away, and my children carried little white stones and single feather, and I pray a little more from that trail tale that day.

It is in those quiet moments when you begin the process of looking out at the world that you begin to see what promises await for you out in the world.

As a parent you are just beginning to understand that the most precious gifts are growing and some day will cross threshold and step forward into the world and a moment of both joy and sadness will flood over you.

You will pray for their safety and success along with a special prayer that they will always remember you although the time will not be today, but you will pray all the same.

Last night I picked up my guitar and began to strum and began to wail;

There’s nobody like the somebody I want to be—but baby you got a body I want to see….

I didn’t play long because my fingers tips have been hurting today. Damned Arthur (arthritis) came visiting and decided to stay for couple of days. The greatest wisdom I could impart to someone is do not crush your finger tips while working on a pump crew in your twenties because it is sure to come back and visit you. Breaking you hand is also not very wise, so just don’t do it, which I know is counter to what Nike’s slogan “Just Do It” tells you to do, but I assure you it will feel much better if at times you just don’t do it.

The quote from FDR came to me this morning just before my alarm went off, begging me to get up to shut it off. “The only fear you have to fear is fear itself.” Then I was introduced to fear when I turned on the television and began to watch the morning news. The good news is that we are not yet into World War III, and our entire economy has not yet completely collapsed, but the divisions are growing greater, and hate is getting a stronger foothold.

Shaking off a shudder I sat down all but naked in my writers chair because I did have on my favorite hat. I believe no adventure should be taken solely alone. I began to write in earnest to purge myself of all the thoughts that still lingered in my thoughts from the dreams I had awakened from. It is from these dreams that good things can come. I pushed past the gloom and doom and for a moment shivered because there is a chill in the air. We are still weeks away from spring and the warmth it will bring.

I am new to this blogging thing so have a great deal to learn and as this year counts down to my retirement day I should have not only the blogging portion down better but should have my post retirement activity plans prepared.

February 20, 2019 – Idaho State Journal

Capricorn — (Dec. 22-Jan 19): Consider what you have, what you need and what to do next. Simplify your life by letting go of what you no longer need. Trust in your judgement, abilities and needs. Moderation is rewarding and bring positive results. 3 stars

I had already begun this process a few days ago and it is refreshing throwing things away which you (I) have been hanging onto in the event I would need the information to track something related to work. Not necessarily so easy when you are parting from something at home because it relates to a memory or future project you may want to take on. On as side note I have way too many future side projects I may want to take on.

I jokingly stated that I was officially running—-Running to work, running for groceries, running home, and later possibly running for the bathroom. I think I was a little premature on part of that, because this morning I have been doing all the running to the bathroom. I may have had way too much liquids last night and this morning and have had to take way to many unscheduled trips—-like anyone really schedules bathroom trips.

Today, I was reminded of the fragility of our connection with life to the next. Someone I knew passively at the university who was a tremendous person with many distinctions and credits to her name passed away after a short illness. She was only 64 and still quite young in old folks years and this troubles and saddens me.

It was not long ago a brother of mine passed away and he was contemplating retiring at or near that age, but was diagnosed with cancer and did not live to see that day. My sister and I were with him to through the end and the memories of both before and at the end, when I helped the young lady with hospice prepare him for his next physical journey, which left sometime after his spirit had moved on are still with me.

I have often reflected or intended to retire but could never quite commit to the date, but putting it out to the world, I thought, would help me decide. I was wrong.

I fell from a ladder at work while I was up to my hips in the ceiling, standing on a ladder, while fixing something. The ladder twisted and I fell. I hit my head several times on the way down and landed on my left buttock, but the rest of landed nano seconds later.

I survived, as you must have surmised. I did go get checked out after it was confirmed that I did not damage my brain, or lose my mind in the fall.

I didn’t want an ambulance and waited to ensure nothing was broken, and nothing obvious was.

I filled out my reports, and was already beginning to stiffen up from the fall, and went to the health practitioner. They couldn’t see anything specific but some arthritis that was beginning to form in my left hip and sent me home.

Even after the fall I didn’t seriously consider a real retirement day, but thought about it as I had since I was fifty-five.

I had staffing changes and facility needs that to be taken care of, while my hip and lower back pain never went away. I knew because the doctor told me, it must be the arthritis that was bothering me, and I kept plugging along.

COVID-19 hit and I was considered essential staff, and stayed while my staff worked from home. I prepared the facility for reopening and had it ready, when my back gave out on me.

I suddenly had difficulty moving, sitting, sleeping without extreme pain, and finally had the approval to see a spine doctor.

It was confirmed! Which I am glad, but not in that particular moment. I had a spine. A disc had been damaged and a cyst had formed and was pressing on spinal nerves, which explained my excruciating pain.

Remedy was surgery, which I was not excited about and injecting something into the cyst and blowing it up until it burst, which may solve the problem. I elected to do this. They gave me shots to help with this, then injected something into my cyst and it burst.

My pain went down from twenty although they had given me a number from one to ten to describe my pain. My pain was reduced to a five and I was happy that it was not so intense, as it had been.

I continued to work although the pain never went away, but I had hope and hope is a powerful thing. I could walk without a cane and tears forming in my eyes.

Long story short as we were near to opening up, the Associate director retired, then the Director retired, and many -many others retired, including the Risk Management officer that I had been working with, and everything became very complicated.

I lost the support that I had at work and all those with the memory or knowledge of my fall and injury, while I still struggled with pain in my back.

This was the reason why I finally decided to retire. It wasn’t pretty, and they did try to give me a party but because of COVID-19 this did not work out well, and my thirty-eight years of service was not marked as anything significant, and I had already convinced myself earlier that I could make it to forty years, or perhaps more.

Still, I lived and not all things, like my head had not been damaged and I had many stories to tell.

Hilarious – “Capricorn – (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Race to the finish line. Don’t wait to see what someone else is going to do. Believe in your ability to handle whatever comes your way. You’ll gain respect and an opportunity to use your talents. 3 stars”

I am not eager to race to the finish line because there is still much to do in the remaining 355 days before I retire, and I really don’t care what someone else is going to do, because it will have little impact on me. I already believe in my ability to handle whatever comes my way but the reminder that I can is nice. It is already in my plans to use my talents to fill in my days before I retire and after I retire, but it will be nice if someone feels respect for what I have done and what I will continue to do.

Recently, I picked up my brushes again and began to paint a couple of paintings in acrylics. Not my best work but then again I have become a little rusty and need to get back into the groove of hearing my brushes raspy touch upon the canvases I will be using. I will say it was rather satisfying so I know I am moving in the right direction.